The only good goblin is one floating in a soup. So by those standards, it was a pretty good day, but first I should start at the begining (That’s what its for I guess).
When I woke up this morning I thought someone had set fire under my eyebrows. I don’t remember too much of last night. I think they brew this Spiggot Ale from spit, a Giant’s toenail clippings and more spit then filter it through a camel’s pubic hair. All in all, not a bad drop for local rubbish. Once I remembered who I was (Hannibal Deadweight, Halfling Extraordinaire and Dashing Hero of the Seas) and found my pants (just down the hall from my room), I went for a look around. Turns out The big wee lass had already been up at the unholy hour of 10am and gone into town. Apparentally she tried to wake me? Methinks tis a mistake she’ll not make twice… I’m sure I didn’t really proposition her…
Anyway, the lads arrived late last night, seems they found the brewhouse first as well, good lads. Let me introduce my crew to you: One-eyed Furious Wang is my bosun, the best (and only) I’ve ever had. I’m not entirely sure what a bosun does, though if it involves wenching, drinking and beating things with an axe (in variations of that order) then he is definitely good at his vocation. Giljew is my first mate. Not the best man on the sail, he tells me he was ‘born and bred of the forest folk” whatever that means. But I didn’t hire him for his lack of sailing skills. Giljew is a genius, a master, a savant even, of the more… subtle skills. He is therefore a handy halfling for an employer of my vocation. It did my heart good to see the lads again, there is something about Lord Longshanks that makes me uneasy. Methinks something foul in yonder water lurks. The pointy-ears is alright for a bigjob. I’m told that her brother will soon arrive in this backwater spit of a town soon as well. More bossy pointy-ears. Great. Still, if the brother is anything like his sister he might be alright.
So long story short, we set out on the advice of that ranger nob to find these bandits. We was going through the forest when what do we find? That’s right. *illegible* goblins! Well I set Giljew to have a look through the forest, he’s a natural in the forest you see. Wang and I waited, when we heard some ruckus. I didn’t see what happened, but methinks me first mate had startled a troop of ogre morris dancers. I heard swearing, and Giljew showed up, the lad had copped a crossbow bolt in the leg. Worse… a goblin crossbow bolt!
So I jumped into action and chased the little *illegible* down. I managed to kill three of them, I couldn’t find anymore which was disappointing. Wang and Giljew helped me of course, they’re good lads. Wang must’ve remembered it was my birthday yesterday, he gave me a goblin-head flagon. It was the best birthday gift since Fat-lip Widgee and Big Balls Boy Badur gave me them rat conkers when I was a wee lad.
Strange thing, there only being three of them green-skinned whoreson rotten-todger bastards goblins. As the Queen said to the Peach-cobbler, ’someone’s pissed tinkled in my pie’.
